Billy-Bob walks into a bar! – Story Of The Day!

The drunk grumbled, turned on his heel, and tumbled back out into the night air. He wandered down the sidewalk, confused by the sudden rejection, and turned the corner. There, he spotted a second door. “Aha!” he muttered. “A new start.” He entered the North Street door and approached the bar, only to find the same bartender staring him down. “I told you two minutes ago, you’re cut off. Get out before I call a cab,” the bartender barked.

The man fell back through the door, his brain spinning faster than a Tilt-A-Whirl. He navigated the corner once more, determined to find a place that appreciated his patronage. He stumbled upon the third entrance on the far side of the building. He pushed through, straightened his tie, and marched toward the bar with renewed hope. When he saw the bartender for the third time, he stopped dead in his tracks. He rubbed his eyes, stared intently at the man behind the wood, and threw his hands up in utter despair. “Good grief!” he exclaimed. “Do you own every single bar in this town?”

But the night’s truly legendary tale was occurring a few blocks away at the city hospital, where the stakes were considerably higher and much more personal. A man of legendary modesty and extreme bashfulness had been admitted for an intensive battery of diagnostic tests. The preparation for these tests had left his digestive system in a state of absolute anarchy. After several frantic, heart-pounding sprints to the bathroom that turned out to be false alarms, the man’s nerves were shot.

When he felt the next internal rumble, he decided to play a dangerous game of chicken with his own anatomy. He convinced himself it was another false alarm and stayed put, determined to maintain some shred of dignity. Nature, however, had other plans. In a sudden, catastrophic betrayal of his bodily functions, he filled his hospital bed with a spectacular mess.

Overwhelmed by a wave of embarrassment so intense it bordered on temporary insanity, the man lost all sense of rational thought. In a blind panic, he leapt from the bed, gathered up the soiled sheets in a frantic bundle, and hurled them out the open fourth-story window, hoping to erase the evidence of his shame from existence.